ENTRY #4: ATTRACTION OF THE UNKNOWN

Bella and I had a phone call scheduled with the hosts of a swingers club we were considering to check out. That day went by pretty quickly and we texted back and forth in the excitement of our upcoming conversation with Mark and Jessi. Both eager and anxious for the call, we got home, had dinner, and got our notes ready as soon as we could. This would be our first live encounter with people who could very well be our tour guides into this newly discovered universe. When the time came, we dialed their number and sat down together, anxiously staring at the phone. A couple of rings and…

“Hi there, this is Jessi and Mark,” a friendly female voice answered.

“Hi!” Bella chirped in reply, beating me to the punch. But I was glad that the women jumped in to make the first connection “This is Bella, and my husband Jeff is here too.”

“Hi Mark and Jessi,” I followed her lead.

“Hi Bella and Jeff,” Mark’s voice replied from the other end of the line.

“Thanks for giving us a call. We are excited for you, and we want to make sure that we give you guys as much information as possible and answer all of the questions you may have,” said Jessi in a soft but warm tone. “Let us tell you a little bit about our club and our parties, and then we have a few questions for you guys if you don’t mind. You don’t have to answer any of them. It’s just easier for us to guide you in enjoying our parties and the lifestyle in general if we better understand what you’re looking to get out of it.”

“That sounds great!” Bella replied, and we both huddled closer to the phone to listen anxiously.

“Mark and I have been married for about eight years now,” she continued. “We had never been in the lifestyle before we met. We explored it together a couple of years into our relationship, going to a few parties and meeting some people off of the lifestyle websites. However, we wanted to create a party for couples like us who are definitely into having multiple partners, threesomes, and moresomes, but without so much of the sport fucking we encountered among some people in the lifestyle. We are kind of in-between where we want to limit the number of partners that we have but still play frequently because it is a big part of our lives.”

So far it sounded good, so Bella and I nodded to each other in silent agreement and continued to listen very closely.

“We started our parties about three years ago and we mainly invite couples. However, we do invite some single women and even some single men because we know that some couples prefer a threesome rather than a full swap with another couple. You don’t have to worry about the guys if you’re not into that— they are very respectful and you should never feel uncomfortable with them. As a matter of fact, we almost always have more couples looking for single guys than we have single guys in attendance. That keeps them busy and out of the way of couples who don’t care for them.

“You probably have read our rules so you know that you should never touch another person without asking first. We usually suggest that it is the women who makes the first introduction or the first move. We expect all couples to know and understand their own boundaries while getting to know and respecting the boundaries of those whom they interact with.

We prefer that you use condoms with anyone who is not your partner as a means of promoting safer sex, but obviously that is up to your personal discretion. We provide condoms in every playroom of various sizes and colors, or you can bring your own. We expect everyone to know and understand the risks that come with having sex with multiple partners outside of your relationship.

“Our parties are on Saturdays. They start at around 8 p.m. and go on until about 3 or 4 in the morning. Some guests stay overnight but most go home or to the nearest hotel. Our next party is coming up this Saturday, and like we mentioned in the email, the theme is Shorts and Shirts. It’s when we encourage women to wear shorts and men to wear dress shirts. The rest is up to you. You don’t have to follow the theme if you don’t want to; it is just for the atmosphere and it’s usually great as an icebreaker.

“That’s pretty much it in a nutshell about our parties. I’m gonna stop now and see if you guys have any questions, and then we have a few of our own.”

Bella and I both looked at each other for approval and found it in spades. I think both of us liked what we’d heard so far.

“I think this all sounds very interesting,” I finally spoke. “We hadn’t really thought about it until about a week ago, so we are completely new to the whole idea.”

“We have to admit that we were a bit scared thinking that this would be some chaotic fireball of a free-for-all orgy.” Bella took over my thought. “It’s a relief to hear that everything seems to be surprisingly organized and thought through.”

Laughter bubbled up on the other side of the phone.

“We get that a lot,” Mark said, still chuckling. “Most lifestyle clubs are actually very organized. We have to be. Sex is a very sensitive subject and any issue at a club can kill the mood for the entire party. I think most lifestyle clubs, and ours is no exception, have stricter rules and are much more controlled than a nightclub or even a strip club. On top of that we always screen our members so that we get to build a close community and not just a party with random people.”

“That’s really amazing to hear,” Bella replied. “We do have a few questions that we wanted to ask you guys, since everything is still so foreign and we aren’t even sure that this is for us yet.”

“We would be worried if you didn’t have a million questions,” Jessi responded with a smile in her voice. “Ask away!”

“Well…” Bella began, hesitating just a moment to gather her thoughts. “We saw a TV show on HBO about swingers clubs, and we thought that it would spice things up if we were to go and kind of watch other people. Like watching live porn, you know? I think this is what drew us in. So, Jeff went online and next thing we knew we’d found your club and here we are talking to you! Everything happened very fast for us, I think.”

“That is pretty common actually,” Jessi assured us.. “Most couples are drawn to it out of curiosity. That’s how it was for me and Mark. We just wanted to spice things up. Because, you know, after a few years most couples have tried everything and the excitement has subsided. This was something that has not only brought the excitement back but has made us experience the best sex of our lives, and we’re in our 40s!”

“So, you guys have sex with other people then?” Bella asked cautiously.

“Yes, and singles too,” Jessi replied. “The best sex is still with each other. I think most couples would attest to that. But inviting other people into our bedroom has elevated it to a whole new level.”

“You don’t get jealous of your husband with other women, and he’s not jealous of you with other men?” Bella continued. I hadn’t really known how curious she was about all of this, so her inquiry surprised me a little. The truth was that we’d never had a conversation about whether or not we wanted to involve other people in our sex life beyond just watching them.

“That’s one of the biggest questions that you guys would have to sort out before you do anything in this lifestyle,” Jessi said. “To us, jealousy is not a feeling we experience. Jealousy is usually driven by insecurity and mistrust; I’m sure you’ve heard people say that before. We love each other and we want what’s best for each other, including the best sex. And let’s be honest, sex is the best when you get to explore things for the first time, which after a few years isn’t so easy to do with your partner. So why would you deny your loved one such an amazing pleasure? You just said you guys were looking to spice things up. I’m assuming you have experienced a slowdown and you want things to be like they were in the first year or so. Am I wrong?”

“We have,” Bella reluctantly agreed after a pause. She looked at me as though seeking confirmation that Bella spoke for both of us. So I nodded too.

“I think we’re still ahead of most couples we know. We still have really good sex,” I continued to assure my wife. “We just want to try new things like you said. But we’ve never considered being with other people.”

Bella continued pushing the topic. “What if one of you likes having sex with someone else more than you do with each other?”

“That’s not possible,” Mark replied. “You do not go into this seeking something better. You never treat another person in your bedroom as a replacement for your partner. If you’re looking for a replacement for your partner—you have bigger issues in your relationship than your sex life. What you do look for in this lifestyle is an enhancement to your sex life by means of other people. Think of those people as ‘live sex toys’, if you will. You’ve used sex toys before, right?”

Shyness held Bella’s tongue for a moment as she coyly caught her bottom lip between her teeth and looked to me, but when she finally spoke there was no mistaking the playfulness coloring her words:  “Yes, we have.”

“Are you afraid that one of them will replace Jeff?” Mark asked.

“Well… no. It’s more of an add-on to our play time that makes it more fun,” Bella replied.

“That’s exactly how you should look at anybody you invite into your bedroom to play with,” Mark continued. “I know, your vibrator does not have a mind or feelings of its own, and is not a person. But it should serve the same purpose which is to add pleasure and excitement to the sex life that you and your husband already share, and not to replace him.”

“I know it sounds like the opposite of what you’ve probably ever heard or done before,” Jessi took over.

“It does,” both of us laughed.

“This is what’s so great about it though,” Jessi insisted. “We refuse to follow the same ol’ recipe that most people stubbornly continue to follow which leads them to divorce, infidelity, or sexless marriages. For most people, it’s something they are willing to live with. For us—it is absolutely unacceptable. We want to stay together for the rest of our lives. We do not cheat, but we want to have an amazing sex life.”

“Doesn’t everybody?” I asked.

“That may be, but that’s not where most people end up if they keep following that same ol’ playbook,” Jessi answered.

I still could not imagine neither Bella nor I having sex with another person, but I was very curious about how it worked for others.

“So, Mark…” I tried staying on topic, “How do you feel when you see your wife with another man? Don’t you feel some sense of being, I don’t know… what would be the word? Violated, maybe, as a man?”

Mark laughed a little.

“I totally understand where you’re coming from,” he answered. “I think most men would. To me, and I can probably speak for most men in the lifestyle, I experience a number of feelings, but none of them are anger or jealousy. I experience excitement for her because I know my wife is enjoying one of the biggest pleasures in the world, and that’s sex. Even though it’s not with me at that particular moment, I’m still excited for her.  I know for a fact it is nothing more than a physical pleasure, so I’m not jealous or threatened by it.

“I also experience excitement for myself.  I know that the amazing energy that she gathers when playing with other people will come back tenfold when we are together. Both of us, much like most couples in the lifestyle, have our best sex right after we have just experienced others. I also enjoy just watching her receiving pleasure from another point of view, which is something that I could never do when I’m a direct participant.”

“Interesting,” I replied, trying to find a flaw in his logic but unsuccessfully so. Getting past the vanilla mindset would probably take time, but it seemed like the rewards would be more than worth it.